What Women Need To Know About…Men’s Mid-Life Crisis

After 27 years of marriage, my husband works 12 to 14 hours a day, eats two meals a day at fast food restaurants, and does not get much sleep. He wants to leave the kids and me because we are suddenly too much to handle. One minute, he seems happy and then the next, he is upset. I even think he is cheating on me.

For some women, this is a typical scenario for what is known as male mid-life crisis. Despite some studies that suggest it does not exist, many couples have struggled with the crisis and more women are wondering what they should do to help their husbands through this difficult period.

“He is not deliberately trying to sabotage the marriage,” says Dr. Mariano Galang, III, medical director of Clark Memorial Hospital’s Behavioral Health Services. “He knows that something is wrong in his life and he is searching for an answer.”

Male mid-life crisis usually occurs between the ages of 35 and 50. Though many factors contribute to this crisis, the most common is the realization that he is not 25 anymore.

“Children leaving the house, a death in the family, or even sudden unemployment can trigger thoughts of mortality,” continues Galang. “Thus, they feel this need to regain their lost youth.”

Other factors that can contribute to the crisis include:

·         Male menopause, or andropause, which refers to the falling levels of male hormones, such as testosterone;

·         Social pressures, such as balancing work and family or taking care of aging parents;

·         Financial pressures;

·         Unrealized career or personal goals;

·         Questioning of one’s self;

·         Inability to do what he was able to do at 25;

·         Increased need for affection;

·        Pressure to always be the breadwinner.

According to Dr. Michael Harper, a primary care physician with Clark Memorial Hospital, there are several symptoms that can indicate whether a man is going through a mid-life crisis:

·         Dramatic changes in behavior,

·         Severe depression,

·         Withdrawal from social activities,

·         Acute anxiety attacks,

·         Gastrointestinal conditions, such as stomach ulcers,

·         Sexual difficulties,

·         Increased smoking, alcohol consumption, or drug use.

“For most cases of male menopause, relaxation techniques, meditation, hobbies, or exercise can usually help alleviate the crisis,” says Harper. “In severe cases of depression, counseling or antidepressants may be needed.”

While women are accustomed to showing their emotions, men tend to keep emotions bottled up. If they are not dealt with properly, these emotions may result in erratic and violent behaviors, suicide, or severe depression. In some instances, many couples divorce, unable to handle the strain.

“This is his problem and he must find the solution,” says Galang. “Give him space. He is making a difficult transition that he must make alone.”

According to Galang, there are a few things that can help alleviate the strain on the relationship and make this transition easier:

1.      Find your own independence and allow him to do the same. Do things by yourself and with friends.

2.      Do not insist on counseling for him. Instead, consider going to counseling yourself in order to better cope with your feelings during the strain. When he is ready for counseling, he will probably need personal counseling rather than couples counseling.

3.      Show him he is the most important person in your life. However, be aware that he might not be able to reciprocate those feelings to you.

4.      Instead of demanding he straighten up or threatening him to change, give him positive reinforcement whenever possible.

5.      Treat him and all men with respect. Though “dumb men” jokes can be funny, they will be painful to a man in crisis.

“He will change and he may self-destruct in order to do so,” says Galang.

For more information on male mid-life crisis, please call Clark Memorial Hospital’s Behavioral Health Services at 283-2811.

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